Saturday, December 30, 2006
the sheep at the desk..
'' we don't want to be remembered just for one day..
we want all days to be.. sacrifice day..''
this is an awkward day..
the last day of the year.. new year's eve..
and the first day of the bayram..
the second important religious feast of the islamic world..
if we rely upon history of religion..
St Abraham could not have a child.. a son..
so he prayed God for a son..
and he was rewarded..
and this was a great boy.. happy.. healthy and intelligent..
when the child was 9 years old..
God asked him to sacrifice his son.. to prove his belief.. and obedience towards God..
and he obeyed.. even though it was very hard to..
he took his son at the top of the mountain of Mina and was just going to sacrifice his son..that a ram appeared.. and talked to him..
saying that God is very satisfied about him.. and that he has to sacrifice him.. instead of his son..
and therefore this is the day of sacrificing a ram.. a sheep in the name of God..
kurban.. is the word in turkish.. and means.. getting closer.. it is a need.. of getting closer to God..!!..
at least this is the history I know..
and there are rules about.. about the animal's not suffering.. about the animal's age..
and nature.. and about the consumption..
you don't eat this sacrifice yourself..
you have to give 1/7 to your family.. relations..
and the rest for the poor families.. for charity..
well I can question the application for today..not the history..and nowadays.. in Turkey..
more and more people are trying .. not to kill an animal.. even in the name of God..
thay say..if we have to help.. let us help in a different way..
a ram's cost is known..
so they give the money to charity houses.. or to people in need..
but of course this depends on the education.. of the intellectual level..
some still prefer to sacrifice..
I don't.. we don't..
there willstill be many discussions between animal rights defenders.. and ' traditionals'..
much explanations by state responsibles.. and protests by common people..
discussions are good.. they come in the end to better solutions..
this year.. people in Turkey will first celebrate the bayram..
of helping.. and thanking God.. everyone in his own way..
and then will step in a new year..
which is not the new year for islamic calendar.. because as you may know or not..
the islamic calendar depends on the lunar systheme.. therefore the months are 28 days long and the new year day is not the same..
but as we use the international calendar.. I don't know when the islamic new year begins..
all I know is this..
as the bayrams have always changing dates.. coming approximately 10 days earlier each year.. for me the first thing to look on the new calendar is the date of bayrams.. national and religious.... because I want to know when I don't go to work.. =))
this is holidays for me..
we are on holiday.. =D.. isn't it great a new year starting with a holiday..
I wish you all the best new year's day...
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
a few months after my mother's death.. I learned I was pregnant again.. I was 38.. did not want another child.. I already had my son..
but hoping it could be a girl.. I went on .. I was working hard.. until late in thr evening..was very busy..
after some tests ( amniosynthesis ) I learned that it was a perfectly healty little girl.. another female love .. in my life.. oo joy..
she was only 2 month's old when my father became sick..
he had called me before my daughter's birth.. telling he did not feel very good.. and wouldn't be present in Istanbul on the birth-day..
well he was 84 and I did not want to disturb him.. I told him he could stay where he was.. and take care of himself.. and I will see him later.. he said he would be coming on september.. we were talking regularly on the phone.. about the baby.. life.. what we were doing.. frequently he was telling how much he missed my mother....
one day on september.. some relatives called me and announced he was severly sick and even
comatous.. I was so sad.. both for my father.. and for myself.. for the baby.. he hadn't met my daughter.. he neighter..
he was transported to Istanbul by a special ambulance hellicopter.. and was taken directly to the hospital where I worked.. and was operated.. all went great .. he recovered.. asked about my baby.. and my son of course.. and I took my daughter.. gigling and pink and white.. to the hospital.. into his bed ( don't frown.. I know it is not right.. but I had to.. and I am happy I did..) he caressed her.. kissed her hands.. told me she was great.. the most beautiful baby he had seen..
and a few days later he was comatous again.. days later .. coming to work.. I first visited my dad.. he opened his eyes.. and said .. they tell me not to go.. they tell me to stay.. they even tell me I can't go.. but they don't know how is to be in love with Saime ( this is my mother's name ) .. so I have to go.. then he smiled at me .. and slept again..
I thought.. he was delirious.. but in the afternoon.. the doctor who was taking care of him.. came to my room .. to give me the sad news.. we had lost him..
after 6 months in the coma.. at the age of 84.. he died.. but did two most important things before dying.. he has recovered.. and known my daughter..
and announced the truth about love..
love is an ongoing affair.. he loved and worshipped the same woman for 48 years.. and went happily to join her..
our traditions about memorial days.. have some details.. you can do it in the mosque.. special prayers and reunions.. guided by the imams.. you can come together at home .. and pray together with your family.. or you do it by yourself.. praying alone..
but one thing is a must.. it is the preparation of helva..helva is a dessert prepared with butter.. flour or semolina.. sugar and milk.. and while you are browning the flour or semolina you pray.. if there are many persons attending to the ceremony.. they all take the spoon and stir while praying.. passing the spoon to another one..
I like to do it all by myself..
today coming home.. from work.. I started to make my helva.. and prayed and thought about him.. he was a master cook.. and I never was able to do the helva .. as he did.. I never did helva before my parent's death.. and they were not there when I had to cook.. each time I tried to.. it became a disaster.. or it was very sticky.. or not browned enough and smelling funny.. or over cooked..
finally my brother came to my rescue..
he gave me a turkish cooking book ''in english'' and there was a helva recipe in the book.. I thought it has to be very informative to teach people who had not seen nor eaten helva before.. and I tried the receipe.. It is great.. it is as perfect as my father would enjoy eating.. or the recipe is ok ..or I have finally mastered the art of making helva afyer all those years..
so this is the memorial day of my father..
and as you can see I am in a funny state of mind..
I miss my parents.. prayed for their soul.. and now my helva is cooling down.. getting ready to be served.. and all people who will eat it.. will say '' Allah kabul etsin'' which means.. ''let God accept''..
accept our prayers.. thoughts.. our mourning..
in our belief, more people eat and say.. let God accept.. more his soul will be blessed..
Monday, December 25, 2006
not totally red..
flashing red in a hidden part.. that I made visible for you..
overall it is a ''ton sur ton'' brown.. light brown...copper.. some blond..
under these quite sage and natural five shades of earthy colours.. here is the colour I love..
when I shake my head it appeares ..
I notice.. people's eye following the move.. '' what was it.. I tawt I thaw not a putty tat.. but some red..''
It amuses me..
we have a special new year flower in here.. In Istanbul.. these are the KOKINA (kokeena) as they are called in Istanbul.. it means red .. it is in greek language.. and the small red clusters of fruit are from an evergreen bush.. they are collected and tied in a bunch.. then tied on the tip of the branch of another evergreen..the tradition dates back .. to the byzanthine times..
now I can sit and enjoy..my bithday is past..
I have received beautiful.. emotional messages.. from you.. from my friends and family..
gifts.. and have had dinner with my family.. in TGI Friday/ Etiler..
I have felt loved and cared..
and even spoiled..
here we go on the countdown for new year..
I made a list.. and some shopping.. but still have lots to complete..
Sunday, December 24, 2006
Friday, December 22, 2006
I had some hard times..
wanted to stay away from all people.. and hobbies..
reading and writing..
avoiding all contact.. physical..and psychological.. and emotional..
3 dates are coming consecutively at the end of december..
my father's death..
and a new year..
I always felt awkward at this time of the year.. but this year..it was more troubling..
I am getting 50.. It is not the getting older part.. but getting 50.. makes me feel as if sitting at the top of my life and looking down..
it is not a good time for making the list of what you want.. or what you want to do.. and more important.. what you wanted to do in the past.. and couldn't..
or maybe it is..
this is the list-making time of the year.. for most people..
but this year it became the list of my life.. couldn't stop it..
none is very nice for me..
there are too many things I have missed..
I don't feel creative to create gifts for people I love..
I don't even feel creative enough to think about what to buy for them..
the tree is lonely..
my daughter has bought her presents and put them under.... and that is all..
the kids feel awkward too..
they are used to have an accumulation of gifts under the tree.. increasing every day ..
they check it out.. and go away shrugging their shoulders..
I got lost in thoughts for hours.. but I mean it..
I feel as waking up.. when someone talks to me..
or the phone rings..
I make long rides in the city..
take the longest way from home to work and vice versa..
I don't feel depressed.. no.. just want to stay alone..
and motionless.. and emotion-less..
During my last ride.. the light was beautiful.. cristal-clear.. and the view of bosphorus was unique..
all those houses by the side of the sea.. constructed at the end of 19.th century.. enduring all those times.. and still living.. and full of energy under the winter sun..
I had to take the photos.. to capture the moment.. my moment of evasion.. from daily routine..
and from being me..
then.. I asked myself.. what do I not like in my life.. trying to evade..
and I couldn't find.. anything I would like to leave behind.. and forget..
Shame on me..
and therefore.. I came back.. uploading those pictures.. and confessing where I have been..
and promessing I will be here.. back soon.. with the same living energy as before..
I have lists to prepare.. to catch up..
crafts.. maybe not soon.. but will come..
writing.. is good for arranging your ideas..
even better than thinking.. at least a more objective way .. and you can catch up.. without getting lost..
so.. now I will make my lists..
and will get my birthday memories.. my redhair..as requested by Sandy.. on the blog as soon as I finish the list making..
thanks for visiting.. and leaving comments.. you all are so graceful..
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
to Akmerkez.. one of Europe's largest and
fairy lights up..
stylish black feather tree..
the yummiest tree complete with a rooster candy top..
I know it is just to tickle our shopping instincts..
could not resist the dreamy athmosphere..
made some frivolous shopping.. especially from the luxurious underwear shop.. =))
to go with the red reflections in my hair.. which is new as well..
Saturday, December 09, 2006
are all due to our relations with our parents..
is it true.??.
in so many ways..
did you watch the Nobel prize speech of the turkish writer.. Orhan Pamuk..
did you also read about the reactions about him winning the prize.. being on trial ..
in his country..
nothing I can say about the trial..
just an indian proverb..
do not decide about a man.. without wearing and staying in the man's shoes..
politics.. are not making us human..
he insisted on making his speech in turkish.. he has a fleuent english.. graduated from american college.. nowadays leaves in the USA..
and did not mention any of the political comments..
if you want to listen ..
what makes us human.. have a look..
there are links to many languages..
Thursday, December 07, 2006
having children ..reveils the observer and philosopher in you..
do you remember the days when your child had total confiance in you.. when your words were upon everything.. remember the pride in his voice when he recited '' my mother told me that..''
did you notice that unfortunately it changed soon.. and was replaced by the famous '' my teacher said that..'' with the same pride in his voice .. you were just getting used to this rivalry that it changed again .. and became.. ''my friend told it ..'' this time topped by '' defence'' in the voice..
did you you feel falling apart from your kid .. a feeling of being thrown out from his universe..
did you ever feel.. your child is becoming a stranger.. he has talents or properties you never thought about..
I do..I remember going to a school meeting and the art teacher of my son saying..'' he is gifted.. soo talented''.. and me trying to remember when I saw him last ..drawing or painting anything ??
he paints?? the teacher went on.. I have chosen him for a special project.. the results will be on an exhibition at the Archeology museum..??..
we went to the exhibition .. and I noticed the small but perfectly shaped figures I saw at the back of small parcels of paper.. behind the books.. and was moaning about .. about ..being tidy.. and clean.. did I take his artwork as scribblings?? I saw that ..he is drawing like miniatures.. small but in all details..
I decided to motivate him.. but he became frustrated.. I wanted to send him to drawing classes.. he resisted..but kept on these scribblings..
a friend of mine told me to buy him a drawing notebook.. the smallest size.. so that he could carry it around.. and draw whenever inspired.. I did.. he used it as a note book but never as a sketch book..
I let it go.. last year he asked me anothor sketch book.. and this special metallic drawing pencil.. and also the soft eraser painters use .. I did not know that these materials even existed.. but I understood that he is still interested in.. but not showy.. especially to me..
this year during the hollidays.. he decided to walk over the small mount perching the beach.. prepared himself a backpack.. and departed.. when back.. he had a gift for me.. the panoramic view of the two beaches..
the photo at the top is this one.. he still goes on drawing and throwing... small sketches.. I try to keep them.. hide them.. and this week I have found the perfect gift for him.. ''drawing art in all details''..this is a simple but inspiring book..
I hope he likes..
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
I know boxes were not as beautiful as the tree.. I also took a close up.. because the photo does not show the colours perfectly.. I love all these lilacs..purples..and pearls.. it looks shiny..
the little box below.. is a chocolate box.. emptied in half an hour.. from the moment it came in the house.. but goes well with the colour.. and hides the electric wires..
and shall I share a secret.. my first gift is bought.. I went to D&R a mega bookstore for the last issues of some magazines.. and there it was.. an art book.. for my son.. as he doesn't read this blog.. I will post a picture of it.. tomorrow.. as well as one of his own drawings..
I also started to embellish the corners of the home.. this year it will go on every day..
this is the corner of the dining area.. I don't have a mantle.. so here is the mirror mantle.. =))have some other ideas to add to it.. if I can.. and on the table is an antique shop find.. glass flower vase.. round and stylish as I am.. the red leaves and the red seeds were collected during the weekend walk..in the forest and in the arboretum.. birch tree leaves.. flashing red and orange on the back.. hope they will turn in a purplish look when dried out.. I put them in the vase along with some decorations.. my angel looks as happy as a garden fairy.. lying on the leaves..
I.. have too many ideas about the house decorating and cooking and about the blog.. and posts.. that my head is buzzing.. I need a few more of myself..
I have finally started the new year gifts.. crocheted hot water bottle covers.. 10 of them.. pray for me.. to be on time..my daughter decided she did not want the black poncho.. but a very long vest instead.. so these are left on needles.. and therefore I am free to crochet..
how are your projects going.. ??..
didn't I tell you I have a lot of them..
and every year.. new additions.. this year some are from Ikea ( how romantic looking were those pearly ones and the diamanted ones..and some soft shiny ones.. shoe and tree shaped ones .. are a gift from my friend..toghether with some cristals she has hand made for me.. lilac and clear cristals..
I believe I have a softpoint for pleasure..it can turn out to become an addiction .. happy I never tried drugs.. I would never let go.. mine are harmless addictions..
when I love something..which means the feeling something gives me.. I need to have it all the time..soft toys once.. coffee .. from sunrise to dawn every moment I am awake .. a music .. the same music on a special cd.. I play it over and over again.. until it goes under my skin.. go to bed with it in my head.. get up with it..coats and shoes.. every woman loves shoes.. but I am like the wife of this asian dictator.. more than 1000.. well not because I don't live in a palace but.. the triple of all the family.... books.. never have enough of them.... craft material .. to see my stock you would be shocked.. I have yarn from my university days.. vintage yarn.. did you ever hear it.. Xmas decorations.. plants and decorations for the garden..the garden shop man-- sees me more often than my family.. during spring..mom said.. that if given some oney I would insist to swallow the bee.. =) it did not change.. maybe controlled a bit..
you should wait for such a woman to be able to fell in love.. and get mad about the object of her desire..
well this never happened.. =) ..I liked mostly the '' waiting for..and trying to see.. period'' after we came to know each other.. the magic vanished.. I know I know.. it vanishes in time.. but mine goes in a flash..
this reminds me a story of my mother.. In 1944 when she was a very pretty yaoung woman.. she went out with her brother.. and they met a friend of him.. she knew him by sight and liked him very much.. handsome man '' she said '' later.. and they went to drink lemonade at a coffee shop alltogether..
the poor guy must have his mouth dried in the presence of my mum.. he drank his lemonade at once.. and asked another one..
later my uncle.. asked her what she thinks about his friend.. she said..'' nothing.. not worth'' but he is very nice .. and handsome said my uncle.. '' he drinks lemonade too fast.. and she never accepted to see him again..
I mean it is not the lemonade that matters.. there is something that you didnot fancy to be that way.. and you have a deception when this happens.. and you turn your eyes for another not spoiled object ..
decorations never do that.. they don't deceive.. they are what they were in the shop when you bring them home .. shiny.. silent.. beautiful..
do you have a harmless addiction ??
Sunday, December 03, 2006
some things never show their ages.. but your's..
this decoration dates back to 1970 when I was a teenager..
this is one of the decorations I bought for my first new year tree..
It is called the new year tree.. in my country.. I am born on the 23 of december.. and we left school half day.. that day coming back home.. I only had the radio.. to keep me company.. and this is the memorial day of a turkish hero..and there were hymns and sorrow all over the place.. It is my birthday .. and my mother is not home gone working.. friends are at school.. radio is playing.. sorrow..
I said to my dad.. I want a tree.. to decorate.. he looked at me.. went out to the garden.. cut some branches of a pine tree.. and with some piece of wood he first build a construction.. then he attached the branches over.. and a small shabby tree was ready for me.. and we went out to buy decorations and lights..
I would still have all of them.. if some years ago a help did not push my tree and crash all of them ..as they are made of glass.. they all broke.. but two.. it was after my father was gone.. so I cried a lot when they broke..
every year after that first year ..I bought some decorations.. but they are none of them as precious as these.. and new trees..sometimes real ones.. to be planted in the garden later.. but now that I really don't have time to choose trees.. and plant later.. I have bought a fake one.. but none is a conversation piece as the first one was.. and every year.. I decorate my tree on 23 of december.. but this year I was taken by the Xmas athmosphere reigning on the blogs.. and yesterday evening I have put it up .. and decorated.. this year the colour scheme is purple .. silver and white.. so red is not fitting in..
but this is my ceremony.. to put the two spared ones.. at the top of the tree.. side by side.. and think about my mum..and dad.. and later.. burn all the candles.. switch off the lights.. turn on the tree's lights.. pour myself some wine.. and have a silent moment.. to remember them.. and tell them once again thanks for all their tolerance and rigidity.. empathy and criticism.. support and sarcasm.. as all parents have to do .. at some times.. for their love and belief in me..
at whom do you think when you decorate your house??..