Tuesday, December 26, 2006

a very complicated post to write..

I don't know how to write about this.. this can be a dessert recipe.. or a love story.. or mysticism.. whichever you prefer..
a few months after my mother's death.. I learned I was pregnant again.. I was 38.. did not want another child.. I already had my son..
but hoping it could be a girl.. I went on .. I was working hard.. until late in thr evening..was very busy..
after some tests ( amniosynthesis ) I learned that it was a perfectly healty little girl.. another female love .. in my life.. oo joy..
she was only 2 month's old when my father became sick..
he had called me before my daughter's birth.. telling he did not feel very good.. and wouldn't be present in Istanbul on the birth-day..
well he was 84 and I did not want to disturb him.. I told him he could stay where he was.. and take care of himself.. and I will see him later.. he said he would be coming on september.. we were talking regularly on the phone.. about the baby.. life.. what we were doing.. frequently he was telling how much he missed my mother....
one day on september.. some relatives called me and announced he was severly sick and even
comatous.. I was so sad.. both for my father.. and for myself.. for the baby.. he hadn't met my daughter.. he neighter..
he was transported to Istanbul by a special ambulance hellicopter.. and was taken directly to the hospital where I worked.. and was operated.. all went great .. he recovered.. asked about my baby.. and my son of course.. and I took my daughter.. gigling and pink and white.. to the hospital.. into his bed ( don't frown.. I know it is not right.. but I had to.. and I am happy I did..) he caressed her.. kissed her hands.. told me she was great.. the most beautiful baby he had seen..
and a few days later he was comatous again.. days later .. coming to work.. I first visited my dad.. he opened his eyes.. and said .. they tell me not to go.. they tell me to stay.. they even tell me I can't go.. but they don't know how is to be in love with Saime ( this is my mother's name ) .. so I have to go.. then he smiled at me .. and slept again..
I thought.. he was delirious.. but in the afternoon.. the doctor who was taking care of him.. came to my room .. to give me the sad news.. we had lost him..
after 6 months in the coma.. at the age of 84.. he died.. but did two most important things before dying.. he has recovered.. and known my daughter..
and announced the truth about love..
love is an ongoing affair.. he loved and worshipped the same woman for 48 years.. and went happily to join her..
our traditions about memorial days.. have some details.. you can do it in the mosque.. special prayers and reunions.. guided by the imams.. you can come together at home .. and pray together with your family.. or you do it by yourself.. praying alone..
but one thing is a must.. it is the preparation of helva..helva is a dessert prepared with butter.. flour or semolina.. sugar and milk.. and while you are browning the flour or semolina you pray.. if there are many persons attending to the ceremony.. they all take the spoon and stir while praying.. passing the spoon to another one..
I like to do it all by myself..
today coming home.. from work.. I started to make my helva.. and prayed and thought about him.. he was a master cook.. and I never was able to do the helva .. as he did.. I never did helva before my parent's death.. and they were not there when I had to cook.. each time I tried to.. it became a disaster.. or it was very sticky.. or not browned enough and smelling funny.. or over cooked..
finally my brother came to my rescue..

he gave me a turkish cooking book ''in english'' and there was a helva recipe in the book.. I thought it has to be very informative to teach people who had not seen nor eaten helva before.. and I tried the receipe.. It is great.. it is as perfect as my father would enjoy eating.. or the recipe is ok ..or I have finally mastered the art of making helva afyer all those years..

so this is the memorial day of my father..
and as you can see I am in a funny state of mind..
I miss my parents.. prayed for their soul.. and now my helva is cooling down.. getting ready to be served.. and all people who will eat it.. will say '' Allah kabul etsin'' which means.. ''let God accept''..
accept our prayers.. thoughts.. our mourning..

in our belief, more people eat and say.. let God accept.. more his soul will be blessed..

so maybe you will join us.. have some..


Jill said...


Your tribute to your father is remarkable. I am so happy he was able to see your daughter before passing.

Your Christmas has been filled with emotions, and soulful thoughts, which I know are healthy.

Jill 00

autum said...

I don't think it was wrong at all for you to take your daughter to see your father.
This is such a loving and beautiful post. Thank you for sharing this special tradition.

AnnieElf said...

Pinar, I think it was wonderful that your daughter was able to feel the warmth and strength of your father's old and loving hands. She will always have that to "remember". She will always know that you made sure she had that gift. I love the memorial tradition as you describe it. It makes me think about what I might do to remember my father and mother when the anniversary of his death comes around in January.

One Crabapple said...

Once again you have touched my heart so deeply.

Thank you , this was beautiful. I will have to dig up a recipe for Helva and try this myself.

Let God Accept.

Love, S.

Britt-Arnhild said...

What a beautiful memorial and tribute to your father Pinar. yes, I will join you, in love and prayers.

dogfaeriex5 said...

pinar~a very beautiful and moving story..you are a very beautiful person to share something so personal..xoxo~K

Orange Blossom Goddess (aka Heather) said...

A wonderful story about the joy in your heart over your family. Thank you for sharing that.

Connie said...

My heart is with you as you remember your father and mother. They are a true inspiration. Thanks for sharing your story.


Janet said...

This is my first visit to your blog and in this one post I see so much love and tenderness. I was happy when I read that you took your daughter into your father's room. That was a very loving thing to do. I'm sure it will remain with your daughter always.
The tradition of cooking helva seems so peaceful and calming, and then you get to enjoy the taste of it. That is beautiful.

lazylol said...

What a beautiful and touching post.

Mrs. Staggs said...

I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling sad about so many things. It is an emotional time of year when many of us miss those who have gone before us and particularly difficult when it is an anniversary date. It is a wonderful memory to have of your father meeting your daughter before he died. I know of many times that similar things have happened. In my family we try to make sure that someone is always with our loved ones when they die and many times there has been such a clarity and awareness in them before passing on, even when they have been the opposite for a long time before. It is a special time. I hope the coming of the new year will find you more at peace with things. I too will be turning 50 in the new year.

jessica said...

pinar, as always a very touching story you tell. very heart warming. oh, life is so full of all emotions. my eyes full of water.

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

What a beautiuful story you have shared with us. I love the stiriing of the spoon and the giving of prayer, the making of halva.
May your two parents dance in heaven today, singing joy into your heart!

Kahshe Cottager said...

How beautiful .. I have tears in my eyes......