Friday, December 22, 2006
back to blogging..
I had some hard times..
wanted to stay away from all people.. and hobbies..
reading and writing..
avoiding all contact.. physical..and psychological.. and emotional..
3 dates are coming consecutively at the end of december..
my father's death..
and a new year..
I always felt awkward at this time of the year.. but this year..it was more troubling..
I am getting 50.. It is not the getting older part.. but getting 50.. makes me feel as if sitting at the top of my life and looking down..
it is not a good time for making the list of what you want.. or what you want to do.. and more important.. what you wanted to do in the past.. and couldn't..
or maybe it is..
this is the list-making time of the year.. for most people..
but this year it became the list of my life.. couldn't stop it..
none is very nice for me..
there are too many things I have missed..
I don't feel creative to create gifts for people I love..
I don't even feel creative enough to think about what to buy for them..
the tree is lonely..
my daughter has bought her presents and put them under.... and that is all..
the kids feel awkward too..
they are used to have an accumulation of gifts under the tree.. increasing every day ..
they check it out.. and go away shrugging their shoulders..
I got lost in thoughts for hours.. but I mean it..
I feel as waking up.. when someone talks to me..
or the phone rings..
I make long rides in the city..
take the longest way from home to work and vice versa..
I don't feel depressed.. no.. just want to stay alone..
and motionless.. and emotion-less..
During my last ride.. the light was beautiful.. cristal-clear.. and the view of bosphorus was unique..
all those houses by the side of the sea.. constructed at the end of 19.th century.. enduring all those times.. and still living.. and full of energy under the winter sun..
I had to take the photos.. to capture the moment.. my moment of evasion.. from daily routine..
and from being me..
then.. I asked myself.. what do I not like in my life.. trying to evade..
and I couldn't find.. anything I would like to leave behind.. and forget..
Shame on me..
and therefore.. I came back.. uploading those pictures.. and confessing where I have been..
and promessing I will be here.. back soon.. with the same living energy as before..
I have lists to prepare.. to catch up..
crafts.. maybe not soon.. but will come..
writing.. is good for arranging your ideas..
even better than thinking.. at least a more objective way .. and you can catch up.. without getting lost..
so.. now I will make my lists..
and will get my birthday memories.. my redhair..as requested by Sandy.. on the blog as soon as I finish the list making..
thanks for visiting.. and leaving comments.. you all are so graceful..
Posted by createacraft at 12/22/2006 09:01:00 AM