Friday, December 22, 2006

back to blogging..





I had some hard times..

wanted to stay away from all people.. and hobbies..
reading and writing..
avoiding all contact.. physical..and psychological.. and emotional..

3 dates are coming consecutively at the end of december..

my birthday..
my father's death..
and a new year..

I always felt awkward at this time of the year.. but this year..it was more troubling..

I am getting 50.. It is not the getting older part.. but getting 50.. makes me feel as if sitting at the top of my life and looking down..

it is not a good time for making the list of what you want.. or what you want to do.. and more important.. what you wanted to do in the past.. and couldn't..
or maybe it is..

this is the list-making time of the year.. for most people..
gift lists..
wish lists..
achivement lists..

but this year it became the list of my life.. couldn't stop it..
none is very nice for me..

there are too many things I have missed..
I don't feel creative to create gifts for people I love..
I don't even feel creative enough to think about what to buy for them..

the tree is lonely..
my daughter has bought her presents and put them under.... and that is all..

the kids feel awkward too..
they are used to have an accumulation of gifts under the tree.. increasing every day ..
they check it out.. and go away shrugging their shoulders..

I got lost in thoughts for hours.. but I mean it..
I feel as waking up.. when someone talks to me..
or the phone rings..

I make long rides in the city..
take the longest way from home to work and vice versa..

I don't feel depressed.. no.. just want to stay alone..
and motionless.. and emotion-less..

During my last ride.. the light was beautiful.. cristal-clear.. and the view of bosphorus was unique..
all those houses by the side of the sea.. constructed at the end of 19.th century.. enduring all those times.. and still living.. and full of energy under the winter sun..

I had to take the photos.. to capture the moment.. my moment of evasion.. from daily routine..
and from being me..
then.. I asked myself.. what do I not like in my life.. trying to evade..
and I couldn't find.. anything I would like to leave behind.. and forget..

Shame on me..
and therefore.. I came back.. uploading those pictures.. and confessing where I have been..
and promessing I will be here.. back soon.. with the same living energy as before..
I have lists to prepare.. to catch up..
crafts.. maybe not soon.. but will come..
writing.. is good for arranging your ideas..
even better than thinking.. at least a more objective way .. and you can catch up.. without getting lost..
so.. now I will make my lists..
and will get my birthday memories.. my redhair..as requested by Sandy.. on the blog as soon as I finish the list making..

Until then..
thanks for visiting.. and leaving comments.. you all are so graceful..

10 comments:

autum said...

Pinar,
{{{Hugs}}} to you! Happy birthday and Merry Christmas.
From what I've read in your blog, you are such an intelligent woman, a kind and loving mother and friend. You are also very creative. This time of year is tough on many people. We place so much pressure on ourselves.
Maybe quiet reflection has been just what you needed. Time alone to think.
I look forward to seeing your red hair, when you are ready!
Take care!!

Connie said...

My dear Pinar,
I am so sorry you have been feeling down and out lately. Maybe the break was good for you. Just to help you realize that everything is going to be okay. I love redheads...They are always so striking. Can't wait to see your picture.

Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Take care,
Connie

see you there! said...

I want to wish you a Happy Birthday and I have a little secret to tell you (shhh).

50 came and went for me some time ago. The years since then have just gotten better and better. You might be surprised how many women say that. You have a lot to look forward to.

Meanwhile, just breathe and smile and you'll get through this.

Britt-Arnhild said...

Good to have you back Pinar though I am sorry to hear that you've had such a hard time. I am impressed and touched by your honesty.
Bless you my dear.

Caroline said...

Pinar -
Don't be sad.
I have posted a poem on Jardinology -
Call it my birthday pressie to you.
Delight in the controversy of becoming older
and don't despair...the alternative is worse!
Much Love

Jill said...

Pinar,

I have seen pictures of you on your blog and you are a beautiful fifty.

I too lost a parent, and know how you feel.
I am sorry your feeling down though.
You'll be back up in no time, I'm sure!
I believe we all go through these down times at different times in our lives. I know I do, and it actually makes me feel good to just go with it. Does that make since???

What I mean to say, is that when you get down sometimes it is comforting to just be down for awhile and then get up again.

I have missed your daily blogs. I hope that you get to feeling better and you have a blessed Christmas with your family and friends.

Remember too, There is only one Pinar in the world!

Love,

Jill 00

Anonymous said...

Dear Pinar,

I have lost a brother and a sister, and this time of year is often sad. I try to be happy for my children though. Don't be sad about your birthday you have the gift of having lived another year. Maybe your gift for this year will be photography, your pictures are awesome. Nita

jessica said...

pinar,
wishing you healing.
wishing your birthday celebration to be fabulous.
warmly,
jessica

AnnieElf said...

I felt so sad to read of you feeling so down, Pinar. It's hard to be reminded every year of sad things at a time when you would want to be most joyful. I hope you are feeling better today. Annie

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

Pinar, My prayers of healing and courage I pray. I am sorry to hear you are feeling low.
May this Christmas bring you grace and a tender sweetness. This is my birthday wish for you.