yesterday I was looking at BBC prime.. they have a program.. a week of dressing dangerously .. it is about questionning your personality.. life.. and wishes.. that one is a bit different than changing your life.. wardrobe.. decoration.. programs we usually see..
to participate it you have to accept to wear some really out of standart things.. in your daily routine..
the lady in the program.. was a middle aged.. blond haired lady.. with a few surplus kilos.. mother of adolescents.. widowed..or divorced..( I missed that) .. working in a hospital..
as I started to watch.. the program had alredy started.. what I saw was a lady in white T shirt and jean.. an adolescent and another lady.. in red short front-long tailed jacket .. the kind the french call jacket-a-taille.. and black shorts.. filet stockings and..knee high boots.. looking like those people who work in the circus..
and they were in the middle of a park.. making picnic and talking..
she said.. I don't know about myself anymore.. I think I am not a person who attracts interest.. I am boring.. and so I surrounded myself with women.. good friends.. but I missed going out.. she was asked to describe herself.. from her point of view.. she could not say.. I am a woman.. and the program-person.. said
- can you say.. I am a female?..
she answered
-yes definitely.. a female..
but no more adjectives did she find.. for herself..
I know this self description thing very well as we live in a multi ethnic cultures country.. last year there was a trend of describing yourself.. if an example is needed.. the most flashing I remember.. was my jewish friend's description of herself.. she said.. I am turkish.. from Istanbul.. from Nişantaşı ( Istanbul has a different life style from the rest of the country that is why she cited this.... and the other name is the most trendy and luxurious part of the city..like St Honoré Blvrd..of Paris..) jewish..woman.. divorced.. jewellary expert.. mother.. woman..
you see the importance is the list making.. and to line up the list of the adjectives.. if you put mother.. in the first line.. a different person is described....
and this brilliantly dressed woman could not find any adjectives.. for herself.. just ''female''..
I saw her wearing a Kimono.. and going to the car mechanics.. she was freer though.. could talk easier with people.. without being interested at their face's schocked expression..
and the last day she wore.. you will not believe me.. a belly dancers dress.. purple.. shiny.. exotic.. and she had to wear it all day.. at this point I knew this was the subject of the blog today..
she went to her meditation group.. and to the shopping center.. people were so foolish looking.. staring at her.. un-believing their eyes.. but she became more and more happy..
and at the end she started to dance.. on the elevators.. she was happy to be noticed.. she was responding to attention.. and looked perfectly overt.. happy.. peaceful..
at the end.. she was interviewed.. and said that wearing those daring dresses.. affronting the placid citizens.. and being the center of attention everywhere she went .. changed her .. she wants to go out.. to be seen as woman.. to listen to her needs.. and to find out finally who she is..
well I thought about it a little more.. I remembered.. when I was younger.. and my son was still 4 yrs old.. a friend of mine told me.. he saw a family at the mountain where they went for skiing.. a family wearing similar hats.. with mom.. dad.. and kid inscriptions.. and said he was looking to buy the same.. I instinctly refused.. I was not only a mum.. nor should I wear a hat with a 'wife' inscription.. I have too many hats.. a person.. a woman.. a doctor.. a mom.. a wife.. a daughter.. a crafter.. a gardener.. reader.. coffee enjoyer.. a gourmet.. a cordon-bleu.. a wine taster.. a friend indeed.. a philosophe sometimes.. and I am happy with all of them but will never be happy only in one .. I need them all.. and no hat is big enough to have them written on..
and I also thought that .. we all have priorities.. important duties.. missions.. not to be delayed.. towards the people who surround us .. and with time running.. we start to ask to ourselves.. what people want from us.. our kids.. husband.. the boss.. or the co- workers.. and our mother.. and friends.. and our kid's teachers at school.. and we start to forget about ourselves.. the in_ ourselves.. the deep one.. this being always on duty.. is not enough to enjoy your life..
we have to ask her.. what do you want?? frequently.. what should I do to please you today?.. would looking through those new magazines please you better then preparing a high quality food.. a home made soup for the family?.. and give her what she wants.. take the magazines and order a pizza.. for once.. if we don't do that.. the voice inside will fade away.. and become unnoticeable..
everyone.. but yourself can leave us .. alone.. but the body and soul being one.. we can't... will it not disturb you??.. no need to fulfill.. no work to be done.. for no-one..
what is this silence.. what shall I do for who..??
you will have to visit yourself.. as visiting an old family relation.. and try to re-make acquaintenance.. this must be difficult.. this will be difficult to catch up ..
so before needing this purple belly dancing dress .. to find your-beautiful-self.. we have to try to spend sometime with ourself.. just ourself.. to not to forget how the woman inside this mother.. parent.. kid.. wife.. worker.. citizen.. is feeling..
I know my list of self-identification.. do you??.. I listen to Pinar's voice and needs.. do you?
enjoy yourself today.. make your list.. listen to yourself..
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One day my son asked his dad what is the meaning of integrity? My husband said "ask your mother, she has it." I try very hard to live "my truth". When I was a young person my life was sometimes difficult and I did not always have the choice to enjoy it. When I became a young woman I learned to choose happiness and to do that, you do need to be authentic. With yourself. If you know who you are, what centers you and feels right, then you can make the choices that will lead to your happiness. Then you will naturally make others happy too I think. I have always taken a lot of time to myself, for thinking my thoughts from beginning to end. I suppose some would consider it meditation, only I do mine every morning on the sofa with a large cup of coffee and cream, a lovely view out my front window and my sweet cat purring nearby. I am blessed to have such a life.
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